Mum Guilt and the Motherhood Myth

the motherhood myth

The complexity of becoming and being a mother and what this means at the individual level is highly significant due to the impacts for mothers, children and entire family units. Of particular interest is the interplay of culture, expectations and the societal perception of the perfect mother (or the motherhood myth), and how this impacts a mother’s health, wellbeing and identity.

Modern cultures and societies still hold widespread beliefs that mothers are fully responsible (directly and indirectly) for thier child’s emotional, social, physical, and intellectual development.⁽¹⁾  Culture plays a huge part in developing the perfect motherhood image and heavily influences our individual expectations of what being a mother is. This contributes to a feeling of pressure that we must meet these cultural standards and perceptions or else we are not being good enough mums.

In its simplest form the motherhood myth relates to an unattainable image and expectation of motherhood perfection that is perpetuated through our societies, culture and the media, which mum’s then compare themselves and their actions to.⁽²⁾  The societal standards associated with the motherhood myth are impossible to achieve but are not broadly acknowledged as impossible. When combined with a mum’s many conflicting priorities and feelings this myth contributes to increased feelings of vulnerability and failure, resulting in mums experiencing high levels of guilt and shame when they don’t achieve the standard or attain a perfect balance between child rearing and their own separate sense of identity.⁽¹⁾⁽³⁾

guilt, shame & identity

A mother’s own expectations and their relationship and belief in the perfect mother image
contributes to the creation of conflict.

Research has shown that many mothers are strongly influenced by the perfect mother myth, and that significant internal conflict and pressure develops when the reality of motherhood does not live up to the idealised standards.⁽⁴⁾ The impact of this on mums is the development of feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often leading to increased internal pressure and effort to manage and maintain their image as a ‘super-mum’ to try and push down those feelings of inadequacy and guilt they are experiencing.⁽⁴⁾

The consistent presence of guilt within the frame of motherhood can increase a mum’s internal conflict between their actual and ideal self, often leading to the development of shame.

Guilt indicates that mum’s feel responsibility for how their actions impact their children, whereas shame focuses on how their actions as a mum make them feel about themselves.⁽⁵⁾ The constant guilt, shame and fear generated from these conflicts and perceived failures leads to significant disruption to self-identity. This often further increases the struggle for mums to establish who they are and how they can be their whole self across so many roles and responsibilities. These factors can create high levels of distress, confusion, anxiety and an internal battle for mothers about who they are.

working towards managing the mum guilt

Becoming and being a mum is hard work.  It typically requires a significant shift in every aspect of your life- lifestyle, work, personal time, finances and priorities.⁽⁶⁾  Mums often prioritise everyone else before themselves, forgetting to engage in activities and behaviours which support their own health and wellbeing. When we don’t look after ourselves, our experience of conflict, guilt and shame can be more damaging and can have longer term health impacts.⁽⁶⁾

Read on for some general strategies that can support mums in their motherhood experience. As with most strategies, every person will be unique in what they find useful.

Self-Compassion- Self-compassion involves giving yourself space to accept yourself as being human, and showing yourself the kindness, understanding and humanity that we often give to others but not to ourselves.

Mindfulness- Mindfulness is the act of being present, and being aware of your thoughts, feelings, body and surroundings in the current moment. It is something that needs to be practised, but can reduce the experience and impact of guilt and shame.

Self-Care- Self-care covers a range of activities that allow you to look after all aspects of your health and wellbeing from the physical to the spiritual. Examples are exercise, diet, regular health checks, reading, meditation, attending church, art, being out in nature, studying, sport, regular visits to a counsellor, social activities, regular sleep, volunteering, showing gratitude, journaling. The list goes on! For mums, a part of self-care can be remembering who you are, and what is enjoyable and valuable to you as an individual person.

Reduce Social Media- Social media provides a distorted view of reality. For mums it provides a much more visible and accessible promotion of the unachievable motherhood standards to compare ourselves to. Most mums join or follow mothering/parenting groups for support and to get advice on their child’s development or challenges they might be experiencing.  Ask yourself if these groups are adding something positive to your experience, or if it is feeding those feelings of guilt and shame. Try following groups and people with realistic, factually correct and positive messages rather then the ones which make you feel you aren’t good enough.

Connection- Connection is the feeling that we get of closeness and belonging. This can be found through our colleagues, families, friends or broader community and has a multitude of physical and mental health benefits. A critical component of connection is feeling valued, respected, seen and heard. There is no judgement and you walk away feeling replenished and happier.⁽⁷⁾  As a mum, finding the people who provide support rather then judgment is important. This could be through your existing friends, family or colleagues or through exploring new social connections.

Professional Support- If you’re finding that your feelings of conflict, guilt and shame are taking over and having a large impact on your life, please consider speaking with a professional. Support from a qualified counsellor or psychologist provides mums with a safe space to decompress and can support mums with:

• Validating your individual motherhood experience
• Releasing the feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy
• Identifying the unhelpful inner voice and/or story that’s feeding the guilt/shame
• Acceptance of yourself
• The exploration and pursuit of an individually meaningful identity
• Coping strategies and skills development